A man is outraged after aliens damaged his property, and has filed a lawsuit against them. He claims that aliens damaged his garden when they landed recently. "They sure did," he said. "I worked long & hard on that garden! I had the most beautiful flowers you've even seen. And now they're either damaged, or dead. My beautiful flowers! I'm SO angry!"
How did all of this start?
"Well, it was late, one night a few years ago. I heard a noise, & got up. And there they were. Standing in my bedroom. Aliens. You know, the little, gray ones with the big heads. Staring at me with their huge, wide eyes. At first, I thought it was the neighbor kids. But they looked healthy, & they had no hair on their big heads. And they looked intelligent, like they didn't watch too much TV. And they were well behaved, too. Not hyperactive, or nasty. And clean, too. Not dirty & smelly. And they didn't look as weird as the neighbor kids, either. So I knew it couldn't be them. I realized I was looking at the real thing. Real aliens. From outer space. The little gray guys."
How did you react?
"Well, I was a little startled, at first. I mean, you don't expect to wake in the middle of the night & see little gray aliens in your bedroom. But I didn't feel like my life was in danger. They were clearly trespassing, but there was nothing I could do about it. Plus, they weren't there to rob me of anything. And they seemed kind of friendly. So I offered them some milk & cookies. But they declined."
What did they want?
"At first, all they wanted was a few sperm samples. I thought it was strange. But I've heard about this. I listen to 'Coast To Coast AM' every night. So I know all about the little gray aliens. And I didn't have a major problem with giving them some of my sperm. It didn't cost me anything. I mean, they may be little perverts, but I try not to judge people. Even aliens. I figured they were just bored & lonely. And they asked me nicely."
Is that all they wanted?
"Yes, that time. But they returned, again & again. They kept coming back for more. More sperm samples. I mean, I'm a healthy guy. But a man can only handle so much, you know? And then one night, I got the shock of my life. They showed me an alien that looked different from them. It was an alien hybrid. A young female. She was taller than the little gray guys. They said it was my daughter!"
That must have been a shock.
"It sure was! Especially since I don't HAVE a daughter. And I told them that. They said, 'You do now.'
They spoke to you?
"Well, they didn't speak, actually. They just sort of beamed those words into my mind somehow."
So you have an alien hybrid daughter now?
"Yep. At first, I didn't believe them. But then I looked closer. And then I got nervous, because I could see she has my eyes, & my receding hairline. But I told them I was NOT going to make child support payments!"
So that's why they wanted your sperm.
"Yep. And a lot OF it, too! They can read minds, you know. I'm sure they knew I would never date one of their women. I'm just not attracted to short, gray skinned women with large, bald heads & huge eyes. I mean, I'm not a racist! There's nothing wrong with it, if you're into that. It's just not for me."
So that's what pushed you over the edge, prompting you to file a lawsuit?
"No. It was right after they left with my new daughter. I walked out to watch them fly away again, like always. In their flying saucer. It's really cool! It's really shiny & silver, with really cool, bright lights all around it. It really hauls ass, too! I wish I could get one of those. It would look great parked in my driveway. The neighbors would be SO jealous. And it would be a lot of fun to just fly it around. I'll bet I could pick up women with THAT thing! Hot women, too. Women just love fast things! I haven't had a date in a while. It's been rough since my divorce. I've been kind of lonely. That's why I spend so much time in my garden. But a cool, flying saucer would be awesome! Faster than the fastest hotrod in town. But I'll bet getting license tabs for it would be expensive. And where would you put them? Which is the front of the flying saucer, & which is the rear?"
You were talking about what prompted you to file a lawsuit.
"Oh, yeah, right. Anyway, after they flew away, I looked down at my garden. And that's when I lost it. I saw that they had landed on my garden! Right in my garden! I TOLD them to be careful, & not to land in my garden! And did they listen to me? NO! I saw all of the damaged flowers, & lost control. I do have a temper. I stewed over it for a few days, then called one of those UFO places & filed my lawsuit with them."
But is filing a lawsuit the answer?
"Well, I'd kick their little, gray asses if I could! But the little bastards have all that fancy technology, & I wouldn't be able to get near them to do that. So I figured I'd try to drag their sorry asses into court, just to make my point. My flower garden was my pride & joy. I don't care WHO you are, or what planet you come from. You can't trespass on my property, land right in my garden, destroy my flowers, & get away with it!"
But this can't be a real lawsuit. What court will accept this lawsuit?
"Yeah, you're right. You got me there. That's the problem. I filed my lawsuit with a UFO organization. They felt for me, & wanted to help. What a great bunch of people. Anyway, they told me they'd hold onto it until lawsuits against aliens from outer space became legal. They said it could be a very long wait. But at least it made me FEEL better. And it was just to make a point, really."
But a lot would have to happen before aliens can actually be sued.
"Yeah, the government is still pretending like the aliens don't even exist. The UFO people told me about that disclosure thing. First the government has to admit that the aliens are HERE. Well, duh! They're HERE! Just come on over & take a good look at my garden, dammit! But I know why they're still trying to keep it a big secret. It's because they don't want tons of lawsuits against aliens clogging up the courts. From people like me. Angry people with damaged flowers!"
And disclosure is just the first step.
"Yeah, that's what the UFO people said. After that, we'd have to join some kind of galactic federation group, or something. It sounded like a 'Star Trek' episode. It's a bunch of other alien races. They've been watching us, too. Like the Nordics. The Nordic alien women are supposed to be really hot, too. Like supermodels. Why couldn't THEY be the ones getting sperm samples from me? I'd be HAPPY to do that! Why did it have to be the little gray guys? I've never been lucky in love. Or lucky with aliens. Anyway, the UFO people told me we may not be able to join the federation because humans are too primitive, too violent. Which made me angry. Why don't some of those other aliens come on over & see what those little, gray bastards did to my flowers?"
So how are you doing now?
"Well, it's been rough. But I'm a fighter. I'll be back. And so will my flowers, dammit!"