Now hiring security guards! Qualified security personnel wanted for graveyard shift. Please, no perverts, felons, alcoholics or drug addicts. Also, you must have successfully completed the 2nd grade with at least a D average. You must show up for work at least once a week. You must not be more than 4 hours late for work, or sleep through the entire shift. You must be over 100 lbs, but not over 400 lbs.
You must be able to remember & carry out simple tasks, like locking a few doors, counting to 4, & knowing where the job is. You must observe a strict behavior code which prohibits beating people up, insulting them, & breaking things. If you eat any crunchy snacks like chips, you must clean up after yourself. You will not be allowed to leave a mess all over the place. You will not be allowed to make long distance phone calls, especially for phone sex. If you need to relieve yourself, you must use the bathroom instead of a wastebasket or the floor. You will not be allowed to have sex while on the job.
These are unarmed positions, so you are not allowed to bring any of the following items to work: Guns, knives, swords, crossbows, grenades or explosives, or any other weapon. Also, you must adhere to a strict dress code which prohibits the following while on the job: Crossdressing, clothes with visible stains or that haven't been washed in over a month, shorts, sandals, wearing your underpants over your pants, or clothes with large holes that leave the private areas exposed. Hurry & apply now! We're still desperately seeking qualified security personnel!