Help! I can't get a date. Years ago, I used to be a lady's man. I used to have lots of dates. But now, I can't get a date to save my life. Every woman I ask out turns me down. It's very frustrating! But there's nothing wrong with me!
Look, I'll be honest. I'm an ordinary guy. I'm not the best looking guy around, or the smartest. And I have problems like everyone else does. I'm currently between jobs. And I'm deeply in debt. But who isn't? Besides, I won't be dealing with those nasty people anymore. No more loan sharks for me! Not after they threatened to break my arm & burn my house down! And I drink a little too much. But I've cut way back lately. I'm down to only a single case of beer a day! That's only 24 cans! I'm practically stone cold sober!
And I do have a few STDs. But who doesn't? They're leftover reminders from when I was a lady's man back in the day. But I'm taking all of my medications religiously! And some of my STDs have cleared up recently. My private area doesn't look like a pizza anymore! Well, maybe like the regular, thin crust pizza still. But not like the thick crust pizza with extra cheese! And I think I finally got rid of the crabs!
I'm not desperate, though! I do have standards. I won't date just anyone. You must be a genuine female. No male crossdressers! I'm tired of them. No more transvestites. I want a real girl! Is that too much to ask? I don't care what you look like, as long as you're a real female. OK, at least part female. OK, at least on your way to becoming a female. OK, at least thinking about becoming a female. And you must be single. No married women! That's just asking for trouble. OK, if you are, just don't tell me. And don't tell your husband, either! Especially if he's very large & muscular, & has a bad temper.
And I don't care how much you weigh. As long as you can make it through the doorway. OK, if you can't, I'll meet you outside. There's a nice park nearby. And I don't care what you do for a living. As long as you're not a prostitute. OK, if you are, just try to do your business when you're not out on a date with me. OK, at least do it in another room.
Help me break the cycle! Don't you want to be that special girl who gets to go on a date with the guy that every other female in town has turned down? You'll never have to worry about me straying, either. You'd be dating a guy that no other woman is interested in! Just think how good that'll make you feel! Don't you want to be special?